What’s Your Therapist Actually Doing in the Room?
Have you ever walked into couples therapy wondering whether your therapist is secretly taking sides, nodding along like a referee, or waiting to drop a truth bomb that’ll sort everything out…?
At Grazel Garcia Psychotherapy & Associates (GGPA), we know there is often a quiet uncertainty in one or both partners, especially from couples who’ve never been in therapy before. You’re opening up your most vulnerable moments to someone you’ve just met. Understandably, you want to know: What’s their role here?
Are they here to give advice? To mediate fights? To silently judge your relationship and then hand out a scorecard?
Not quite.
Therapy, at least the way we do it, is less about judging and more about helping you tune into something deeper: the patterns between you, the emotions underneath those patterns, and the moments where things get stuck. Think of us less like referees and more like dance coaches that are trained to notice the rhythm between you, spot where the steps fall apart, and help you find your way back into sync.
That said, we know this isn’t a performance. It’s your relationship’s health. And when it’s hurting, you don’t need someone directing from a script. You need someone who can walk alongside you, slow things down, and show you what’s happening in real time, not with criticism, but with curiosity.
Watch the full interview here!
This blog is for anyone who’s ever wondered what their therapist is really doing in session and what it actually means to have someone “on your side” when that “side” is your relationship as a whole.
The Therapist Isn’t the Expert on You, You Are
One of the biggest misconceptions people bring into couples therapy is the idea that the therapist is there to hand out answers. Like the Oracle of Delphi with a clipboard. But no therapist is an expert in your life. You are. We’re just trained to pay close attention to how you move through it.
At GGPA, we don’t tell you what to do. We help you understand what you’re already doing and why it’s happening the way it is. That might sound small, but in the therapy room, that shift changes everything.
“I’m not there as an expert in their relationship. I don’t take that role. My role is to help them figure out the music of their dance.”
That music is the emotional rhythm between you – the patterns you fall into, especially when things feel tense or distant. Maybe one partner withdraws when they’re overwhelmed, and the other ramps up in frustration. Maybe it feels like you keep hitting the same wall, even though you’ve talked about the issue a hundred times.
Rather than jumping in with fixes, the therapist slows the moment down and listens for what’s happening underneath. Not just what you’re saying, but how you’re saying it. Not just what you’re doing, but what you’re feeling before the behavior even starts.
That’s not to correct your “technique” or to criticize how you communicate. The focus is on bringing awareness to something most couples don’t even realize is happening.
“I’m working in the process. Where I’m facilitating dialogue, I’m breaking the blocks that prevent connection.”
And while that might sound subtle, the impact is anything but. When you can see the loop you’re caught in, you can start to choose something different.
Therapy isn’t about being told what to do. It’s about discovering what you already know and learning how to move through it together. If you’re in Los Angeles and that’s something you’re curious about, we’re here when you’re ready.
The Problem Isn’t You, It’s the Cycle Between You
Once you’ve found the style of therapy that works for you, the real transformation can begin. One of the most reassuring things couples discover early in therapy is that the issue isn’t either of you being “broken”. The real problem is the loop you keep getting stuck in.
And once you start seeing the cycle for what it is (a pattern, not a personality flaw), the tone in the room shifts. There’s less blame. Less shame. More space to breathe.
“In couples therapy, we are unbiased. We go in there and look at the actual cycle being the problem, not each partner.”
This is a core principle of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the model used at GGPA. EFT therapists don’t take sides. They’re not tracking who’s “right” and who needs to “do better.” They’re watching the moves each partner makes, especially in conflict, and how those moves trigger a reaction in the other.
Maybe one person’s silence feels like abandonment. Maybe one person’s anger feels like rejection. Each reaction makes sense, and each reaction feeds the cycle. The more you try to protect yourself, the more disconnection grows.
It’s not personal. It’s relational.
“Every single move each partner does make sense… What’s not helping is the cycle that leads to disconnection.”
So rather than framing therapy as “you versus them,” we shift it to “you two versus the cycle.” That reframe alone can feel like a weight off your shoulders. And for many couples, it’s the first time in a long time they’ve felt like they’re on the same team.
If you’re tired of going in circles, you’re not alone. Understanding the pattern is the first step toward shifting it and that’s something we can explore together.
Why EFT Doesn’t Play the Blame Game
One of the biggest reasons people avoid couples therapy is the fear of being blamed. Maybe you’re worried the therapist will “take sides.” Maybe your partner is convinced they’ll be painted as the villain. And honestly, if you’ve ever had a bad therapy experience, that fear makes sense – you may have even been advised to leave your partner by less-than-qualified professionals.
At GGPA, that’s not how this works.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) takes a different approach. Instead of asking, “Who’s right?” it asks, “What’s happening between you?” That shift is everything. As we’ve discussed, in EFT, the problem isn’t you or them, it’s the cycle the two of you get caught in.
“In couples therapy in EFT, we are unbiased. We go in there and look at the actual cycle being the problem, not each partner.”
So when arguments feel repetitive or disconnected, the therapist isn’t pointing fingers. They’re helping you slow things down and notice what sets the loop in motion. One person feels unheard and gets louder. The other gets overwhelmed and pulls away. Then it happens again. And again. It’s not about blame, it’s about understanding how that loop started in the first place.
This doesn’t mean your actions don’t matter. They do. But EFT assumes there’s something underneath them – a need, a fear, a longing – that’s been trying to get your partner’s attention. Therapy is where we start to name those things, together.
“There’s nothing wrong. Everything that you do makes sense because each of you are moving each other towards that direction. But what’s not helping is the cycle that leads to disconnection.”
If you’ve been worried therapy will turn into a finger-pointing session, take a breath. At GGPA, we’re not here to shame you. We’re here to help you both step out of the pattern together.
Therapists Can Be Direct But Not Directive
There’s a fine line between being clear and being controlling and Grazel knows exactly where it is. One of the most common misconceptions about therapy (especially couples therapy) is that the therapist is either going to sit back and nod or start barking orders about who needs to change and how.
Neither is what happens in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
At GGPA, the therapist’s role is to name what’s happening, even the things you don’t want to say out loud, but never to shame or scold. It’s not about telling anyone what to do. It’s about creating clarity in a space that’s often clouded with emotion.
“That’s what you’re paying for, to look at what’s happening in the room.”
That might sound a little confronting, but it’s actually a huge relief. Because when someone can gently hold up a mirror to your dynamic, without blame or bias, you start to see each other again. And sometimes, seeing clearly is what opens the door to reconnecting.
Grazel describes herself as a direct therapist but never a directive one. That means she’ll speak up when something’s getting in the way of connection, but she won’t sit you down with a clipboard and a list of instructions. She’s attuned, responsive, and grounded in your emotional process, not your performance.
And that matters. A 2024 study found that therapists who are emotionally attuned have better client outcomes.
If you’re worried therapy will be all “feelings” and no direction, or too much direction, there’s a middle ground. That’s where EFT lives.
What Clients Often Expect And What Actually Happens
It’s more common than you might think: a couple walks into therapy expecting one person to get blamed and the other to be validated. Or maybe they’re both bracing for a therapist with a clipboard and a list of instructions.
And it’s no wonder. TV and pop culture have painted couples therapy as a courtroom or a scolding session. But that’s not what should happen in the room.
“If you’re looking for a therapist that tells you exactly what to do because your behaviors are wrong, that’s not me.”
Instead, Grazel starts by resetting expectations in a way that feels grounded and kind. She’s not there to pick sides or assign fault. She’s there to guide the process – sometimes by leaning in with direct observations, other times by stepping back to give space for emotions to unfold.
That pacing isn’t random. It’s highly attuned to what the couple needs in the moment. She listens closely to how you respond, when you withdraw, when you soften and she adjusts accordingly.
Research backs this up: 60% of clients report that therapy outcomes improved once their therapist clarified expectations and goals early on. Knowing what to expect makes it easier to trust the process and each other.
If you’ve been avoiding therapy because you’re not sure what to expect, this might be the kind of clarity you’ve needed.
Final Thoughts
Again, couples therapy isn’t about deciding who’s right or wrong. It’s not about fixing one partner while the other watches. And it’s definitely not about keeping score.
At its best, therapy is about slowing things down long enough to really hear each other. To make sense of what’s been missing, and to create a space where both people can finally breathe.
Emotionally Focused Therapy isn’t a script or a formula, it’s a way of finding your rhythm again. A way to honor your hurt without getting stuck in it. A way to feel safe enough to be soft, even after the walls have gone up.
Top 7 Takeaways
- Your Therapist Isn’t the Expert on You, But You Are
Therapists at GGPA don’t hand out advice or assume they know your relationship better than you do. Their role is to help you see the emotional patterns between you and understand what’s happening beneath the surface. - The Problem Isn’t You (or Your Partner), It’s the Cycle
The real issue in most relationships isn’t either partner, it’s the repetitive loop of disconnection you both get stuck in. EFT helps you recognize that pattern and work together to shift it. - EFT Isn’t About Blame, It’s About Understanding What Drives Disconnection
Rather than focusing on who’s wrong, EFT helps you explore the deeper emotions and unmet needs underneath your reactions. This reduces defensiveness and opens the door to real connection. - Therapists Can Be Direct, But Shouldn’t Be Directive
You won’t be told what to do or how to behave. But your therapist will gently call attention to what’s happening in the room, especially if it’s something you haven’t noticed or don’t want to say out loud. - What Clients Expect Isn’t Often What Actually Happens
Many couples arrive expecting blame, judgment, or a long list of instructions. But EFT offers something different – a space where both people are supported, and where the therapist adjusts their approach to fit your needs in the moment. - EFT Is Built on Emotional Attunement, Not Scripts
The process isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s rooted in real-time emotional awareness. EFT therapists follow your emotional cues, slow things down, and help you reconnect with each other in a way that feels safe. - Therapy Isn’t About “Fixing”, It’s About Feeling Understood
The point of therapy isn’t to “fix” anyone. It’s to help both partners feel heard, respected, and reconnected. When understanding replaces blame, healing becomes possible.
You don’t have to walk into therapy with the answers. You just have to be willing to walk in.
If you’re ready to stop trying to solve things alone, and start feeling heard, we’d love to support you one step at a time.
Grazel Garcia Psychotherapy & Associates is one of the leading individual and couples therapy practices in the wider Los Angeles area. Specializing in treating root causes through the lens of EFT, GGPA clients can expect a warm, culturally-attuned approach to therapy. Call 323-487-9003 and schedule your free consultation today!
