If you’ve ever thought about going to couples therapy, you might have pictured the scene in your head: the therapist sits across from you, nodding wisely, while you and your partner settle into opposite chairs. Then (and this is where the anxiety kicks in) you imagine the spotlight turning toward you, the “bad guy,” while your partner lists your “crimes.” 

It’s a common fear, and one we at GGPA hear about often. People worry that once they step into that therapy room, someone’s going to be labeled as “the problem” in the relationship. That fear is completely normal, and it’s also one of the first myths we have to dismantle if therapy is going to work. 

One of the biggest misconceptions about couples therapy is that it’s a courtroom, complete with a judge (your therapist), a defendant, and a plaintiff. In reality, most couples arrive already carrying a heavy load of blame, and they’re often pointing it squarely at each other before they’ve even sat down. 

If you’ve ever been caught in this loop, you’re not alone. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 97% of couples say they got the help they needed from working with a marriage and family therapist. The key takeaway here is that the cycle is common, but it’s also highly treatable with the right approach. 

The tricky part is that when you walk into therapy feeling like you’ve already been “cast” as the problem, every comment from your partner can feel like further proof. Even neutral statements can land like accusations if you’re in a defensive mindset. That’s why our therapists at GGPA don’t just endlessly talk about the problem, they work to change the atmosphere in the room so it’s safe enough for both partners to speak honestly without bracing for an attack. 

When couples first start therapy, there’s often an unspoken hope that the therapist will “fix” the other person. It’s as if we arrive at the session with a mental list of grievances and a silent prayer: Please make them see how wrong they are. 

Self-awareness isn’t just nice to have; it’s a relationship-changer and often a relationship-saver. Research from the American Psychological Association has found that higher self-awareness in relationships is linked to greater long-term satisfaction and stability. In practice, that means being able to pause and ask yourself, What am I actually feeling right now? instead of What is my partner doing wrong? 

Here’s why it matters: when you identify your own underlying emotions – fear, disappointment, loneliness – you can share them without launching a criticism. Instead of “You never listen to me,” it might sound more like, “I feel shut out when I don’t get to share my thoughts.” The focus shifts from assigning fault to expressing experience, which is far less likely to trigger a defensive reaction. 

This self-awareness also gives you a clearer lens for seeing your partner’s behavior. Often, what we perceive as rejection or coldness is actually their own protective response to feeling unsafe or overwhelmed. When you can recognize that, it’s easier to meet them with curiosity instead of judgment. 

In most couples, conflict dances to a familiar rhythm: one person pushes forward, the other pulls away. Therapists often call this the pursuer–withdrawer dynamic. 

The pursuer is the partner who moves toward conflict in the hope of creating connection, though it often comes out sounding like criticism. The withdrawer steps back, not to reject their partner, but to protect themselves from feeling unsafe or overwhelmed. 

This pattern is so common that once you know about it, you start spotting it everywhere. And according to Dr. John Gottman 69% of relationship conflicts are about ongoing, unresolvable issues, which means if you don’t learn how to de-escalate, you can spend years stuck in the same exhausting loop. 

In the therapy room, Grazel works to “soften” the pursuer first. If criticism is their entry point into connection, there’s usually hurt underneath. Slowing down enough to explore that hurt – maybe disappointment, fear of being alone, or feeling invisible – transforms the conversation. 

For the withdrawer, the work is different. Safety has to be rebuilt so they can step forward without fear of being attacked. This might mean slowing the pace of the conversation, validating their perspective, and setting clear boundaries around how disagreements will be handled in the session. Over time, as trust grows, they can stay engaged even in the heat of conflict. 

When both partners feel safer, conversations stop spiraling. Instead of one chasing and one retreating, both can stay present long enough to be heard, and that’s when meaningful change happens. 

Imagine a conversation with your partner where you’re both feeling tense. You’ve each got your guard up, rehearsing your next point while they’re talking. In that state, curiosity doesn’t stand a chance, and curiosity is the key to de-escalation and resolving conflicts. 

That’s why one of the key shifts in couples therapy is learning to “park” your defenses. You don’t have to throw them away (they exist for a reason) but you set them to the side for a moment so you can actually hear each other. 

This is more than just good advice, it’s backed by research. Studies regularly find that active listening can significantly increase relationship satisfaction. The more we listen with curiosity instead of rebuttal, the more likely our partner is to feel understood and the less likely the conversation will spiral into attack and defense. 

When you replace blame with curiosity, you change the entire emotional climate of your conversations. Instead of escalating tension, you invite openness. Instead of fueling resentment, you create connection. 

Underneath all the criticism, defensiveness, and shutting down, there’s usually something much more tender at play: our need for emotional safety. This is where attachment theory comes in: the idea that the way we connect (or protect ourselves) in relationships is shaped by our early experiences and reinforced over time. 

In other words, your instinct to pull away or to push harder in an argument isn’t random, it’s your nervous system trying to keep you safe. The trouble is, those same protective strategies can make your partner feel less safe, creating a cycle neither of you intended. 

In therapy, building this sense of security is often the turning point. As partners begin to trust that they’ll be received with care rather than criticism, conversations can move beyond the surface-level “who’s right” debates and into the deeper, more vulnerable truths. 

Creating that safety isn’t about never disagreeing, it’s about knowing that even in disagreement, your bond holds. That knowledge gives both partners the courage to show up more honestly, which is where the real work (and healing) happens. 

If there’s one skill that can completely change the temperature of a conversation, it’s learning how to share what you’re feeling without accidentally setting off your partner’s alarm bells. 

In therapy, Grazel often guides couples to experience their feelings first, to really sit with them, before putting those feelings into words. This extra step helps ensure what comes out isn’t a weapon, but an invitation. 

But the thing to remember is that using scripts alone won’t work if you don’t feel the truth of what you’re saying. If you try to recite an “I” statement without connecting to the underlying emotion, it can come across as forced, or even manipulative. That’s why Grazel emphasizes reflecting with meaning: putting your feelings in context so your partner understands not just what you feel, but why. 

When done well, this kind of communication avoids triggering defenses and it actively builds trust. It says, “I’m letting you see me, even in my most tender places,” which invites your partner to do the same. 

If you take nothing else from this, let it be this: couples therapy isn’t about deciding who’s the “good” partner and who’s the “bad” one. It’s about creating a safe enough space for both of you to drop your guard long enough to see, and be seen by, each other. 

That shift from blame to curiosity, from defensiveness to openness, is where the real magic happens. It’s in those moments that couples stop fighting each other and start fighting for each other. 

Yes, it can feel awkward. Yes, you might worry that you’ll be misunderstood. But with the right guidance, and a willingness to turn inward before pointing outward, the conversations that once left you feeling attacked can become the ones that bring you closer. 

Couples therapy isn’t the end of a relationship. For many, it’s the beginning of a new chapter where understanding replaces assumption, safety replaces fear, and love gets a stronger foundation. 

If you’ve been holding back from seeking help because you’re afraid of being “the one in the wrong,” consider this your permission to try. You might just find that therapy gives you back something you didn’t even know you’d lost: the ability to truly hear, and be heard by, the person you love.