Many couples reach a crossroads where one or both is asking themselves a simple question: Should I leave? It often starts as a whisper in the back of your mind. A fleeting thought during an argument, or in the quiet moments when your partner’s presence feels more distant, or hostile, than comforting. That thought can grow and grow, and the doubt can feel unbearable. 

If you’ve landed in this emotional gray zone, you’re far from alone. Many couples find themselves stuck between staying and going; unsure what’s salvageable and what might be too far gone. And when emotions are high and clarity of thought feels impossible, the next logical question arises: Will therapy help me decide? Even more pressing: Will my therapist tell me if I should leave? 

When a relationship feels like it’s falling apart, it’s tempting to turn to someone, anyone, for a clear answer. And a therapist, with all their insight and experience, might seem like just the person to give it. 

But a therapist’s job isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s to help you understand what you want to do. 

Therapists, especially those working with couples, are bound by a professional and ethical code that centers on client autonomy. That means they’re there to guide, reflect, and support, not to instruct or judge. Even when one partner is clearly in distress, a good therapist resists the urge to play referee or decision-maker. 

It’s one of the most common surprises people experience when they first begin therapy: the therapist doesn’t tell you what to do. There’s no directive action, no “here’s your next step,” no “this is how to fix it.” Instead, you’re met with questions. Thoughtful ones. Sometimes frustrating ones. And always, ones meant to lead you back to yourself. 

That expectation of direct guidance often comes from cultural messages and media portrayals where therapists act more like life coaches or even judges. In real life, however, therapy is a reflective process. The aim isn’t to offer quick solutions but to help you clarify your inner landscape so your next step feels like yours, not someone else’s opinion. 

In fact, research supports this model. A study published by the American Psychological Association found that while 47% of clients expected directive advice, only 8% felt that advice alone led to lasting change. The real transformation came from being invited to reflect, make meaning, and choose with intention. 

One of the most tender and challenging scenarios in couples therapy is when one partner is leaning in, still holding onto hope, while the other is leaning out, already considering the door. 

Therapists call this a “mixed-agenda” couple, and it requires a careful, nuanced approach. In these moments, a therapist isn’t just working with a relationship. They’re holding two very different internal experiences, often filled with fear, grief, and confusion. 

In therapy, the goal isn’t to convince either partner of anything. Instead, it’s to create space for honest conversation. Grazel begins by helping couples explore the why: what brought them to this point? Are there unresolved hurts, unmet needs, or simply a slow drifting apart? Then comes the next question: Is reconciliation possible? And if it is, what are both partners willing to do? 

According to research, a large proportion of couples enter therapy with one partner significantly more committed to the relationship than the other. This doesn’t mean therapy can’t help, it just means it’s less about repair at first, and more about clarity. 

For couples in this situation, therapy is more about understanding what is true for each person, what they really want in a relationship, than about “fixing” or “saving” the relationship right away. It will be their individual truths that leads them back together, or gently apart. 

No one walks into couples therapy hoping it ends in goodbye. But sometimes, separation becomes the most honest path forward. 

That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Ending a relationship, especially one with years of shared life, love, and history, can feel like grief, confusion, and relief all tangled together. It’s why Grazel sees her role not only as a therapist, but as a steady guide through emotional terrain that can feel overwhelming. 

That includes helping clients regulate intense emotions. In sessions where anger or sadness takes over, Grazel stays grounded, offering coping tools and reminders of each person’s capacity to stay present, even in pain. Because whether a couple is reconciling or parting ways, they deserve to be witnessed with compassion. 

And the impact of such care? A 2017 study in Personal Relationships found that couples who processed separation through therapy reported 42% fewer long-term regrets than those who separated without support. 

Couples often assume their therapist will be a neutral third party and ideally, that’s exactly what they’ll get. But neutrality isn’t something that just happens. It’s something therapists have to actively work toward.

When a couple is deciding whether to stay together or separate, a therapist’s personal beliefs, past experiences, or unresolved biases can quietly seep into the room. That’s why Grazel emphasizes the importance of therapists doing their own emotional work through personal therapy, supervision, and advanced training. 

In particular, Grazel advocates for discernment counseling, a specialized approach designed for mixed-agenda couples. It’s not about fixing the relationship or pushing for a split, it’s about helping both partners gain clarity and confidence in whatever decision they come to.

Unfortunately, not every couples therapist has this training. A recent survey found that only 12% of therapists offering couples counseling had formal discernment training. Without that foundation, well-meaning therapists may inadvertently take sides or steer couples in unintended directions. 

So how can you protect yourself? Ask. It’s more than okay to inquire about a therapist’s experience with discernment counseling, their stance on neutrality, and how they handle their own biases. A grounded therapist will welcome the question. 

If you’ve ever wished for someone to swoop in and make the hard call for you – stay or go? – you’re in good company. The uncertainty that lives inside relational limbo can be excruciating. But therapy isn’t about control. It’s about clarity. 

A good couples therapist won’t hand you answers. They’ll hold space for your confusion. They’ll ask questions that help you hear yourself more clearly. They’ll create room for both partners to feel seen, even when their paths diverge. 

And if separation does come, it won’t be rushed or careless. It will be held with the respect that your relationship, no matter how long or complicated, deserves. 

With the right support, even endings can be healing.